


Am I Worthy?

by NB_Mononoke_Lily



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Help, M/M, Men Crying, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Very Heavy Angst, definitely need fluff eventually, eventually, recovering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:17:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NB_Mononoke_Lily/pseuds/NB_Mononoke_Lily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Furihata has been going through major stress and anxiety issues but is reaching very bad breaking points. And all the anxiety is not just based around school and work, but if he thinks he's even worthy enough for Akashi or even despite his many pleas of love, that he really loves him. With Furihata's state, can he even think straight enough to not do something insane that could leave dire consequences before Akashi can set things right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not Again...

“Did you really think I could ever love you?”

 

“A pathetic thing such as you?” Akashi spat in disgust.

 

“You are beneath me,” he pushed Furihata down hard onto the ground and placed his foot on top of his head.

 

“Remember your place you insufferable piece of garbage.”

 

 

Furihata instantly woke up gasping with tears running down his face. Moonlight cascaded from his window onto his bed, reminding him of his surroundings.

 

“N-N-Not again…” he hiccupped out.

 

 

It was a nightmare.

 

 

The same nightmare he’s been having every night for the past 3 months.

Furihata regained his proper breathing and wiped away his tears as he stood from his bed. He sighed and walked into his conjoined bathroom, looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes seemed lifeless and dull from the lack of sleep and the crying wearing them down.

 

“I’m pathetic….Beneath him…Garbage…” he spoke those words as if agreeing with them.

 

He started to cry again and sunk down onto the floor and banged his hands against the white tiles with his knuckles.

 

 

Why did he feel this way?

 

 

He shouldn’t be feeling this way.

 

Akashi has been nothing but loving, kind, warm and caring to Furihata since they got together in their 2nd year of high school. Treasuring him with sweet words of him being the most precious person in the world to him and completes him entirely. Holding him as if he never wanted to let go and just wanted to encase them together in their own world and enjoy the warmth radiating between the two. Kissing him with such passion and love that Furihata could just melt by a mere breath towards his lips. Saying ‘I love you’ with such truth and meaning constantly and that they are the other’s missing piece of their complicated puzzles.

 

 

But yet, here he was.

 

 

19 years old, breaking down in his apartment’s bathroom, at an ungodly hour of the morning because of the same nightmare of Akashi saying such awful things to him and that he never loved him. For 3 months he’s been feeling this way, and it isn’t as much so with doubts with Akashi never telling him how much he loved him. But more so, Furihata’s self-esteem and anxiety kept getting the better of him just repeatedly tormenting him that he and Akashi won’t last, that he doesn’t really love him, that he’s just so weak and meager compared to Akashi and the farthest away from being worthy to even be with him.

Through his tears, Furihata grabbed a hold of his shaving razor and took out the blade of its holder. He then pulled back the sleeves of his night shirt to reveal scars from his wrists to his elbows, even some were higher. There were fresh ones on his skins, most likely from last night after having the same nightmare. He took the blade and tortuously ran it across the little bit of scar-free skin on his arms, even going over some of the past scars. Blood started to run down his arms and onto the tile.

 

“PATHETIC! GARBAGE! I AM BENEATH HIM. I’M NOTHING TO HIM. HE DOESN’T DESERVE SOMEONE SO WEAK LIKE ME!”

 

He practically screamed at himself as he kept cutting, and cutting his skin until he started to lose momentum to do so.

Furihata regained his senses and looked at the fresh, bloody cuts on his underarms. He felt like banging his head into the wall, but didn’t have the motivation to do so. Instead he lifted himself up, washed off the blood from his blade and arms, placed on some antibiotics to his cuts and wrapped bandages around his arms.

After cleaning up the blood on the floor, rather than attempting to head back to bed, he went over to his phone on his desk and clicked the button on the side for the screen to light up. It was 3:07 in the morning, which meant it had to be about around 7 at night in France, right?

He slid his screen and his background on his phone made him smile slightly. It was a picture of him and Akashi under the mistletoe and Akashi was placing a kiss on Furihata’s cheek. The picture was taken at Kuroko at Kagami’s Christmas party, and also Akashi’s birthday party over 3 months ago. It was also the last time Furihata felt so happy and before he would turn to a high stress and anxious life of self-harm.

Everything happened so quickly after the party, Akashi, breaking the news that he had was going to be insanely busy with internships, study-abroad, and business learning from his university to his father’s industry, so he wouldn’t be able to spend precious time with him for a long while. He was in Paris, France right now and has been for two weeks.

Then Furihata’s parents suddenly felt that he didn’t need their help with his apartment rent and that if he wants to keep his apartment and keep going to school that he needed to get a job. His mom also threw in the whole ‘you need to look presentable and make yourself good enough for Akashi because of his social standing and lifestyle.’ He did find a job, but it wasn’t the best paying one and the hours were completely ridiculous, he was lucky to even get a day off or get sleep. Because of that, his grades in all of his classes having been dropping significantly and his professors say he could fail.

But the breaking point for Furihata was when Akashi’s father had spoken to him at Akashi’s New Year’s Party.

 

 

When Furihata was able to slip away from Akashi’s party and Akashi himself, he was led by one of the Akashi household servants to see Akashi’s father. He was directed into the room and the doors closed behind him, a chilling feeling ran through his spine.

 

Akashi’s father was seated behind his large desk and stared right at Furihata beckoning him to come closer.

 

“Furihata Kouki, I’m sure my son has spoken to you about how busy his semester will be?”

 

Furihata nodded, indicating him to continue.

 

“Which means he will finally be able to go and make himself successful and get a nice dose of _reality_.”

 

His gaze intensified on Furihata as he emphasized the word ‘reality.’

 

“E-Eh? I guess so, I mean with learning the business and-”

 

“No. I mean he will see the reality that you two are not meant to be together. And like a good boy, he will see the error of his ways of going against me by having a relationship with someone like you.”

 

Furihata was at a loss for words and he felt like he was just punched right in his gut. ‘Error of his ways?’ What error? He and Akashi have been perfectly happy and loving with one another. There was no error……. was there? ‘Someone like you?’ What was that supposed to mean? Does Akashi’s father still not accept them being together?

 

“I-I’m sorry??? Wh-What do you mean?? Seijurou and I have been perfe-”

 

 Akashi’s father suddenly stood and slammed his hands on the desk.

 

“DO NOT DARE SAY HIS NAME YOU INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF GARBAGE.”

 

Furihata was terrified to say the least, he was so shook up and he backed away from Seijurou’s father as best he could.

 

“You are pathetic, weak, beneath him. You cannot compare to what my son is or even if my son ever decided to make you an Akashi. Do you really think that you and my son will last? This is merely a phase, a way to get back at me for expecting him to live up to the Akashi name.”

 

“N-No! He loves m-me! H-He constantly tells me ho-how much so every time we’re together or whenever we speak when we’re far apart from one another!”

 

Furihata was surprised to even talk back to him. He spoke his words with confidence, but he could feel his heart start to break by hearing what Seijurou’s father has just told him. Was everything just a phase or a way just to get back at his dad?

 

“You really think he means any of that? Love is just a word you can toss around to make another person feel like they matter to others and to the person who claims to love them. My son, will indeed one day _love_ but it will be of his betrothed that I will find for him. A nice young woman with much more class and elegance than you could ever achieve in an entire lifetime. A perfect match for a wealthy, young, upcoming businessman such as my son.” He took back his seat and crossed his hands together while staring at Furihata with a look of death.

 

“Unlike _you_ , who is clearly of a lower class, attending a common university and can’t probably even hold up a job. Do you think you’re good enough for my son? Because it is quite obvious that you are not. Seijurou sees this, I see this, and even your own friends and family must see this. You are not worthy of Seijurou, and never will be.”

 

The conversation ended there as Akashi’s father called forth one of his servants to excuse the then shaky and about to break down Furihata from his sight. Furihata had disappeared for the remainder of the party, all of what Akashi’s father had told him running through his mind, making him want to puke. The words of ‘You really think he means any of that?’ and ‘You are not worthy of Seijurou,” and many more just driving him to a point of having a panic attack. What if he was right about how Seijurou not ever loving him or being good enough for him? He already knew he wasn’t really all that great compared to him but he was sure that he loved him with all his heart…..right?

Akashi did manage to find Furihata right around the time midnight was approaching and wanted to seal the New Year with a kiss. Furihata had to put on a fake smile and happy demeanor just so he wouldn’t noticed anything was off. Akashi knew something was a bit off and asked if anything was wrong. Furihata told him nothing was wrong and that if he wanted his kiss that they better hurry. He didn’t want to trouble Seijurou with what happened and the thoughts going through his head, he would probably be scolded for even thinking or letting those words get to him. But he also thought that maybe those thoughts and what Akashi’s father had said would fade away.

 

 

But they didn’t, and they’re the main force driving Furihata into his anxious and depressive state.

 

 

A teardrop landed onto the phone screen and Furihata was close to breaking down again, because of just remembering how happy he once was and the words said that caused him to fall down.

 

“S-S-Seijurou, I’m sorry…”

 

Furihata composed himself and decided that he needed to hear Seijurou’s voice, maybe it could at least calm him down so he could get some sleep for classes and then work tomorrow, but would he even pick up? On the first ring, he didn’t pick up, which was weird considering Seijurou always being quick on picking up when he calls. His heart dropped some from this, but more so when no response on the second ring, then the third ring, then as the end of the fourth ring and Furihata’s confidence on calling him were about to fade a familiar always welcomed voice speaks.

 

“………Kouki?”

 

Kouki’s heart thumped slightly as he heard Seijurou’s voice, he really wished he were here right now. “H-Hey, Sei! Sorry for the call,” Furihata sat on his bed and held the phone close to his ear.

 

“It is fine, Kouki, I always love hearing from you, you know that. But you are calling at a very late time from where you are…Is everything alright?” Seijurou’s voice was filled with concern.

 

Alright? Was he alright? **Far from it.**

 

“Oh um…yeah! I-I-I-I….” he tried to think of something to say so he could cease Seijurou’s worries but it was hard to even think of what to say so he said the first thing that came to mind.

 

 “…miss you. I-I know you’re b-busy with the whole study abroad thing and all, b-but I really do miss you and I miss spending time together…”

 

**_Being happy._ **

 

“I-I hope you can come back s-soon and maybe when y-your semester is over w-we c-c-c-can…” his voiced was practically clogged in his throat.

 

His eyes were burning and despite already crying so much tonight, he couldn’t help but the cry right now because he desperately wanted to say that they ‘can be happy.’ But the impending anxiety was telling him to not be such a bother, so he didn’t know what else he could say and the silence on Seijurou’s end wasn’t helping.

 

“Kouki are you crying? Please don’t cry.”

 

Furihata sniffled and wiped his eyes some.

 

“I miss you very much, and just so you know, I never even wanted to go on any study abroad trip, that was my father and school who wanted me to. If I were to ever go on any study-abroad trip or anywhere, I would do so if you came along with me, I love you very much and I would do anything in the world just to be with you right now.”

 

Love. That word to Kouki felt like both a heart-fluttering feeling yet also was stabbing him at the same time.

 

“….If you really love me, yeah,” he muttered very lowly and away from the phone speaker.

 

“Hmm? What was that? Did you say something, Kouki?” Seijurou questioned, hopefully he just heard incoherent mumbles.

 

 “O-Oh nothing!! Anyway are you coming back soon?”

 

“I should be back in a week, and how about I come over and we can watch a movie and order take-out from that Thai restaurant you like?” Seijurou chuckled.

 

 “That sounds wonderful, Sei, I would love that. I can’t wait!”

 

Furihata tried to sound excited that Seijurou would be coming home soon, but he only just realized that he said that they can do all those things, but he never told Seijurou about him failing his classes and about getting a job. And not knowing about what's hidden under the long sleeves of his shirts.

 

“Me neither. Alright, now you go and get some rest, Kouki. I don’t want you to be up so late, especially on school night.”

 

“Yes, mom,” Furihata let out a slight chuckle.

 

 “I love you, Kouki”

 

“………I love you too, Sei. Night.”

 

The line then went dead, and Furihata swore he almost did too. Seijurou was coming back in a week and he should be beyond ecstatic to see him and be able to be held in his arms and receive lots and lots of kisses. But yet, the words of what Akashi’s father had told him keep haunting him and all his other obligations just to make himself worthy enough for Seijurou, but then slips into a crimson abyss when it makes him lose it. And it might just make him lose not just his sanity, but Seijurou as well.

 

“…….Does he love me? Am I worthy enough for him?”

 

He looked down at his bandages around his arms that hide his ugly truth of all the stress and anxiety built up and the released.

 

 

“I don’t even know if I’m worthy enough to be alive…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Furihata goes to school and his friends are growing concerned for him, but he just shakes it off as he heads off to work. Which of course does not go very smoothly. Furihata is just not breaking out of his depressive state. Suddenly who is at his door at 9 o clock at night?

_“And so to solve this equation correctly you must…”_

 

Words spoken but only being processed as incoherent mumbles.

Not any attention given to what has been said.

Darkness all around.

_“Furihata-kun…”_

 

Dreamless dreams that still bring pain.

 

_“Furihata-kun…”_

 

Hateful words that reoccur over and over again until it drives one mad to the brink of-

 

“Furihata-kun!!”

 

A voice harshly whispered along with a pointed pencil to the face to break out of the sleeping trance.

 

Furihata woke up groggily and realized he fell asleep during class, again for the numerous x amount of times this semester.

 

“Furihata-kun, you fell asleep again. The professor had almost caught you if I didn’t misdirect him over towards the other end of the room by throwing an eraser at the back of Kagami-kun’s head.”

 

Kuroko whispered, a look of concern was evident on his face.

 

Furihata nodded and sighed looking back down at his notebook and then to the professor talking about whatever mathematical equation and how to solve it. He was so behind according to how much was already written onto the board. Luckily Kuroko slid over his notes for Furihata to copy and still play catch up with the rest of the class.

 

This has been a reoccurring system between not just him and Kuroko, but with his other friends, Kawahara, Fukuda, and Kagami as well. He’s been so behind on sleep and school work that this how he’s barely getting by at school.

In the end last night after Furihata’s phone call to Akashi he couldn’t find himself to go back to sleep. So he just stayed up looking through old photos of him and Akashi and with his friends, anything that could put a brief smile onto his face. By the time he was done, his alarm clock buzzed for him to get up and off he went to his university. Not even five minutes into the class he passed out from sleep exhaustion.

 

“You know you shouldn’t have thrown an eraser at Kagami, Kuroko. He is your boyfriend and all.”

 

Furihata mumbled while copying Kuroko’s notes.

 

“Yes he is Furihata-kun, but if you recall, he is also the one who caused the professor to make sure we are separated as far as possible in this class.”

 

“………….But wasn’t making out in the back of the class with him your idea?”

 

Kuroko gave a hint of a blush and pouted ever so slightly at Furihata, then went back to his deadpanned expression.

 

“Perhaps, but I wasn’t the one who had the idea of groping my butt, causing me to moan out which led to us being caught.”

 

Furihata blushed a little and mumbled,

 

“More than just groping…”

 

After class ended, Furihata was making his way over to the exit so he could be on his oh so _merry_ way to his job, but Kuroko, Kagami, Fukuda and Kawahara were by the exit waiting for him.

 

“Hey Furihata wanna grab some lunch?”

 

Fukuda asked.

 

“Yeah, we were gonna go to this new restaurant that just opened up by the university. I hear that they have the best curry rice~.”

 

Kawahara interjected with enthusiasm.

 

“Nah, sorry guys, I have to go my job…They rearranged my schedule last minute yesterday so I have to skip out on Economics class this afternoon.”

 

Furihata sounded less than pleased when mentioning his job at any given point, especially since now he would be missing a class, _again_ , due to it.

 

“Furihata, you really should talk to your manager or something, you shouldn’t be missing school due to it. Plus hasn’t it been like this since the semester started out a couple months back???”

 

Kagami lifted an eyebrow at him.

 

Furihata sighed and nodded slightly at them.

 

“I know, I know. But without this job how else am I supposed to keep up with my rent at my apartment???”

 

Furihata started making his way around them but was stopped when Kuroko grabbed a hold of his wrist. The sting of the fresh cuts from last night made him want to hiss in pain, but instead bit on the inside of his mouth to mask it.

 

“Furihata-kun, we all know about how important it is for you to have this job, but what about school or even sleep. Last semester you did fairly well, but now all this semester has consisted of you sleeping in class, being in a rush for work and… distant. Is everything okay?”

 

Was everything okay?

 

No not really.

 

“…I’m fine, Kuroko, but I appreciate the concern. I just need to adjust to my new lifestyle is all.”

 

Along with the cuts adorning under the sleeves of his shirt.

 

Kuroko frowned and reluctantly let go of his wrist.

 

“You sure?”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

 

Where Furihata worked was always stressful to say the least. He ended up working as a bus boy at a popular restaurant, or higher end if that was a better description. So that meant he should have been getting paid a good amount right? Nope, not really. At times Furihata would be tripped by coworkers or mocked by making a tiny mistake like a little smudge on the table after cleaning it, or that one of his shirt buttons was slightly out of place. No matter what, he just couldn’t win with his work staff. Regardless he needed the money, otherwise he’d probably have to move back home and face the shame among his parents.

Ah yes, the parents who out of the blue decided to stop helping with rent and threatening to cut him off from school if he didn’t get a job. It was so out of character for them to do such a thing in Furihata’s mind, even his brother agreed and said that it wasn’t something they wouldn’t do without a reason. Either way, here he is now cleaning up tables and dishes for the wealthy clientele so they can dine in a clean environment.

 

“……….Only four more hours. Come on. You can do this, and then you can make up the work for Economics. Somehow…”

 

As Furihata lowly mumbled as he finished cleaning the table with a pristine polish and shine. He had to admit that it made him feel accomplished that he was able to clean a table so nicely, until he overheard a couple at a table a few feet away from him.

“Dear, what is he so happy about?”

“I suppose he feels satisfied he was able to clean a table properly.”

“Probably the only thing he’ll ever accomplish.”

 

He heard them snicker and laugh, but he only sighed, set up the table with the silverware and disappeared into the back where one of the servers commented on how long that took him and how it was holding up to be able to serve the next people to sit in that section.

 

Furihata just couldn’t win, what so ever.

 

But Furihata couldn’t help but think back to what the couple said about him and how cleaning tables would be his only accomplishment. Perhaps they weren’t so far off given his skill set.

Furihata loved it when he was on the basketball team back at Seirin, and not to mention how in his first game was during the Winter Cup, which was huge for him, and then the second time he was placed in he faced off against the formidable, absolute, Akashi Seijurou.

 

_Sei…._

 

Furihata recalls back to those times with how Akashi was, or well the other Akashi. He was scary, but at the same time after he had disappeared and the real Akashi came back and explained everything to Furihata properly when they first started dating, he felt that the other Akashi was just trying to live up to the Akashi expectations. Then after the game against Jabberwock, the other Akashi had disappeared completely, but still a part of Akashi in a way and always would be.

Speaking of expectations, and those of meeting up with the Akashi name, the words of Akashi’s father just burst out yelling in his head again. Calling him worthless, pathetic, garbage, and not worthy of his son. Which Furihata can’t argue with, especially given how he is now and just in general.

After graduating Seirin and attending university in Tokyo along with his friends, he just was a student with average grades and nothing special. The school didn’t really have a basketball program of any kind, but Kagami and Kuroko still went to play basketball with the others from the Generation of Miracles in street ball from time to time. That was a time Furihata could go and see Akashi when he was in the city.

Akashi went to a university in Kyoto, but after a semester there he decided that he didn’t like the long distance he had from Furihata and his friends, so he transferred to one that was in Tokyo so he would be closer. But, ever since the beginning of his semester he had been thrown with curveballs of internships and study abroad trips forced upon by his father and the school because of his father’s contribution to his education. But because of such high demanding time Akashi had to dedicate to school, Furihata hadn’t physically seen him in about two months now. He was lucky enough to catch him at the end January for Kuroko’s birthday party that Kagami and the rest of the Miracles insisted on having for him, and also before all the chaos during his semester started. Ironically enough, they went out and dined in this very restaurant. But little did Akashi know that about a week later Furihata had applied to work there as a bus boy, and has still been working there since and it was already spring, the beginning of April to be exact.

This caused Furihata worry because the weather would soon heat up and his friends, and Akashi, if he had time to come and visit, would question why he would be wearing long sleeves on a hot day. Or the bandages on his arms if he were to wear a t-shirt. He was lucky enough that protocol at work was that he had to wear a long sleeved shirt while working or if he wore a t-shirt and the bandages showed they didn’t really care, they just thought maybe the water when washing the dishes was too hot or some broken dishes had cut him.

His coworkers didn’t really care for him, neither did his boss because he always took his coworkers’ side if there was a problem, saying that he was too klutzy or just didn’t know what he was doing.

 

“Jerks…”

 

Furihata mumbled under his breath as he finished washing the last plate in the dish box before a server called for a bus boy to clean up some plates. So he cleaned out his box and went back out onto the floor. He could tell the moment he got to the table that the group or couple who ate had clearly ordered too much given how a practically full plate of spaghetti was still left.

 

“Ugh, what a waste.”

 

Furihata frowned, but he went to cleaning the others and placing the spaghetti filled one on top. As he was walking back to the kitchen one of the servers had _accidentally_ bumped into him and sent him and the box of dirty plates flying. Plates shattering amongst the ground and unfortunately the one filled with spaghetti had landed on a woman’s head and covered her face and hair with spaghetti and tomato sauce. Coincidentally, she was the one half of the couple who had mocked Furihata earlier. So this could not be good.

 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

 

The woman had screamed and immediately turned her attention to Furihata who was lying on the floor from being tripped and surrounded by broken ceramic plates.

 

“I-I’m so sorry, it was an accident! I was bumped into and then I-“

 

“SHUT UP YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF- GRRRRRRRRRR. I WANT YOU FIRED YOU INCOMPENTANT IDIOT.”

 

The man who was with her tried to calm her down but to no avail as she stomped her way over in 5 inch pumps to Furihata who had regained a composure of now sitting on the ground but still terrified.

 

“YOU ARE GARBAGE. PATHETIC GARBAGE. YOU ARE WORTHLESS.”

 

And with that she stomped off and soon after the man followed too. Leaving Furihata sitting around the carnage and just a mass of quivering fear.

 

When the woman had yelled those last words to him it reminded him of how Akashi’s father had spoken to him those months ago. And now he was just repeated those very same words by another person.

 

 _Seijurou’s father is right……I am worthless_.

 

 

 

Needless to say that after Furihata recollected himself and the entire staff and restaurant were staring at him from the scene, he was fired.

Furihata tried to explain that he was bumped into by one of the servers, but his boss would hear nothing of it. So he said he’d mail Furihata his last paycheck and to get out.

 

When Furihata had gotten home, he just broke down sobbing against the door. How could things possibly get any worse than today?

He’s lost his job and now has to find one fast otherwise he won’t be able to live in his apartment anymore and his parents would stop funding for school. Needless to say, Furihata was stressed out beyond belief.

After breaking down for a few minutes, still in tears he walked over to his bedroom and then his bathroom and began his painful process of ‘relief’ once again.

He cut deeper this time into the skin, blood just dripping down his arms and onto the sky blue tile of his floor. And with each cut he was just trying to bring relief of some kind to his never ending misery.

 

“Seijurou’s father and that lady are right……….I’m worthless, pathetic. Why am I even trying?”

 

Furihata just asks himself that question as he laid against his bathroom wall, more sated and the wounds on his arms still fresh while others from previous cutting were starting to scab. He felt a bit dizzy and nauseous but he didn’t care. His only way to feel like he could find relief was by cutting.

He found out of this method by own experimentation when the stress after what Akashi’s father said, the actions of his parents, and the doubts he was having of his self-worth or if Akashi really loved him drove him into a state of stress, anxiety and soon enough depression. After he had tried smoking, it just didn’t work out because he couldn’t stand the smell or the nicotine, but after he saw a pair of scissors on his desk he grew curious. He held the sharp end of the blades against his wrist and applied pressure and quickly skid them across. Immediately it had hurt and a cut rose from his wrist and soon enough blood began to leak and seep its way through. It made Furihata feel so relieved afterwards to just cut himself to be able to take out the stress. From that point on he got hooked, while his mental stability got worse.

His friends, Akashi, and his family were aloof to his self-harming or his mental state. His friends and Akashi were quick to pick up if something was wrong, but Furihata had always answered that it was schoolwork, or specifically to his friends about work.

Furihata didn’t want to tell Akashi about his financial, school and mental problems. He already had enough on his plate as with being the future successor of his father’s business empire, so it would be selfish to let him know, right? Akashi has more important things to worry about then someone who’s meager and pathetic.

 

After a few minutes, Furihata had recollected himself, cleaned up the now drying blood off his arms and the floor. And as normal got the bandages and antibiotics, wrapped them up, threw on a fresh clean long sleeved shirt and just went out to his living room to sink into the couch and attempt to get schoolwork done, if he didn’t fall asleep that was.

It was barely 8 o’clock so he should be able to get something done. Especially his economics work so he could turn it in to the professor and explain why he had to miss class. Luckily Kuroko had texted him that they just needed to read a certain part of their textbook, take notes and come up with business questions to present to the teacher from that section. Furihata loved his economics class, it was a way for him to work with statistics and math without having to add the quadratic formula, plus it would help him to get a better job in the future with him understanding stats and money.

 

“Maybe if I pass my economics class and then college I could work alongside, Sei in the business world.”

 

A small smile formed on his lips in wonder and the possible future that would be like with Akashi coming to him for help on marketing and how production was going. Heck, just being by his side would be nice, at the same time…

 

“But, I would just be an underling and as worthless.”

 

Furihata mumbled sadly as he began reading through his book, the section was on the transfer of wealth within corporations and small family owned businesses.

Reading through the section assigned only took a short time and then he wrote down his questions and then turned to his dreaded literature work which he was the furthest behind on. It hurt because he always loved to read, especially with Akashi, and sometimes they would practice with their English by reading their favorite books in the English language.

 

“If only Sei was here to help me through this, he loves reading…Or just here in general.”

 

Furihata hugged his knees to his chest and sighed. Dread coming forth and just making him feel so fatigued. Maybe he should just head in early so if the nightmares come back, which they will, he’ll get some amount of sleep. Or like always plop in a bowl of ramen and watch some tv until he felt tired enough to pass out on the couch.

Just as he was putting away his books and papers to make room on the couch and table there was a knock at his apartment door.

 

“Who could be knocking at this hour? Kuroko?”

 

Furihata pondered as to who was at the door considering it was just a bit passed 9, and logically he thought it be Kuroko given how he was worried earlier in the day. So he got up, walked over to the door and groggily opened it, and when he did he was more than shocked to see who it was.

 

“S-S-S-SEI!?!?!”

 

A smile was on Akashi’s face as he stepped closer and opened his arms out to Furihata and engulfed him in a tight but tender hug.

 

“It’s been a long time Kouki, I’ve missed you so much.”

 

Furihata immediately hugged back and on the verge of tears, from joy of Akashi being here and holding him, frustration of how long it has been and with how things went at work today, and also dread mixed with fear of if Akashi finds out about his self-harming and all his other problems, along with the voice in his head repeatedly saying

_Worthless…._

_Worthless…_

_Worthless…_

_You don’t deserve his love, nor does he love you_.

 

But for once Furihata had the voice be quiet for a moment as he sobbed in Akashi’s embrace.

 

“I-I-I’ve missed you too. I-I thought you weren’t su-supposed to come back till n-next week?”

 

Furihata felt embarrassed with how choked up his words were coming out, but Akashi could care less as he pulled back from the hug and held Furihata’s right cheek in his hand, wiping away the tears.

 

“I thought I surprise you with coming back early, and also perhaps I might have ended the study abroad by a few days by some convincing and without my father’s knowledge.”

 

“Won’t you be in trouble? With your father and school…”

 

Furihata tried to look away from his gaze, but Akashi held his face firm and placed a chaste kiss on the tip of his nose.

 

“Perhaps, with my father if he finds out, but I haven’t held you, seen you, kiss you in so long that I didn’t care. Plus you had me concerned yesterday with how sad you sounded, I don’t need you sad, Kouki. I want to see you happy.”

 

Akashi gave him such a genuine smile that Furihata felt like he was melting. Furihata was glad that Akashi was here, but at the same time, the dread feelings inside him somehow still grew the moment Akashi said he wanted to see him happy. Which he hasn’t. But in this moment, Furihata placed on his mask to hide those feelings and let the happy emotion burst as best it could by jumping Akashi and placing a kiss onto his lips. A sensation both of them missed deeply.

 

Akashi had gripped Furihata tighter and pulled him closer as he deepened the kiss. His tongue prodding open Furihata’s lips and earning a moan from the brunette.

 

As Akashi pulled back and stared down at dark brown eyes and a flushed face he couldn’t help but chuckle.

 

“It has been a long time.”

 

“Yeah…Oh! Would you like to come in?”

 

Akashi only chuckled again and dragged behind a suitcase into Furihata’s apartment.

 

“I would hope so yes. And perhaps we could watch a movie if you aren’t too busy with school work?”

 

“Oh no, not busy at all!”

 

That was a huge lie. He had a lot of schoolwork to catch up on, it was just very exhausting.

 

“Good. And maybe not order out tonight but just some ramen and popcorn?”

 

“That sounds good, Sei. Let me just get that stuff from the kitchen.”

 

Akashi removed his jacket and shoes as he made his way over to Furihata in the kitchen and wrapped his arms behind him and whispered hotly in his ear.

 

“And perhaps…….A little something after, my Kouki?”

 

Furihata was blushing majorly, it had been a long time, and he would love more than nothing then to take up his proposition, but given the bandages around his wrists and arms, Akashi would immediately question about them. So it would be better not to risk exposing his self-harm habits right now until he came up with a viable reason for the bandages.

Boiling water accident? Nah, Akashi would just scold him to be more careful and ask to see the burns. Cat scratches? Nope. Some of the scars were too high up or not at the right angle for a cat to scratch and plus it looks like a whole pack of cats would have scratched him.

 

Slowly turning around and moving Akashi away, Furihata gave a small nervous smile to a confused Akashi.

 

“A-As much as I would love to Sei, could we just watch a movie and cuddle? I-I don’t think I’ll have enough stamina for that tonight. I mean school has been hectic this past week. Plus you did just get back.”

 

Akashi nodded his head and gave a small smile while placing a small kiss onto Furihata’s cheek.

 

“Of course, Kouki. Just being here with you is already plenty. I’ll be on the couch trying to find a movie.”

 

As Akashi walked away, Furihata let out a small sigh and turned to the ramen he has in a pot and then placed the popcorn into the microwave. And as he waited and stared at the popcorn and then back over at Akashi at the couch getting cozy, Furihata couldn’t help but wonder how long would this happiness last? As each pop of the bag occurred, Furihata’s thoughts wandered with what ifs with his life and with Akashi.

 

**_Pop._ **

 

_Maybe if he found out about my self-harming he’ll leave and call me a freak._

**_Pop._ **

_If he found out about me failing school he’ll call me and idiot and leave._

**_Pop._ **

_If he found out about me having a job, but then losing it, he’ll call me pathetic and leave._

**_Pop._ **

_If he found out about my financial issues, he’ll leave and say I should just move back home._

**_Pop._ **

_If he found out about what his father said to me…….he’ll leave, confirm what he said, and it would prove he never truly loved me, that I was just a tool._

**_Pop._ **

****

_If he found out about all my doubts, insecurities, anxieties, depression, he would leave._

**_BEEP. BEEP._ **

****

The popcorn was done, and Furihata took it out of the microwave, opened the hot bag and placed the popcorn into the bowl. Meanwhile his thoughts continued.

_No matter what. He would leave. I don’t want him to leave. But I have to face the fact that…_

Furihata looked over at Akashi who was still looking through what movie to watch, while as he had the popcorn on the tray, along with the now finished ramen.

 

 _I’m not worthy…Especially of his love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!!! SORRY THIS TOOK ME LIKE ALMOST A YEAR TO UPDATE. I HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH A LOT OF SCHOOL AND EVERYTHING. I can't promise regular or frequent updates, but I'm going at the best pace I can??? But I hope you guys enjoy!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Oh Furi no....  
> Hey guys! This is my first Akafuri fic and I think this is going to be a heart wrencher (was so not inspired after reading akafuri angst, not at all). I'm sorry if the self-harm Furi does is any problem or makes anyone uncomfortable, but it plays a major part with the story and with plot!! I might be irregular with updating but I will try to the best I can. And I think I tagged everything properly?? Let me know if I need to add additional tags or such. Thank you!


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